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| At almost every function I attend, a wedding, kid's birthday party or communal gathering, someone comes up to me and says, "Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to synagogue...."
31 Comments Posted
Maybe people want your blessing for not going, Rabbi. Maybe they want to hear, "Well then don't go!"
It is hard to connect to a weekly thing and when you start going, ANYTHING gets tedious. Friends ask where you were and you feel commitmentphobia kicking in.
I didn't floss unless I needed to for years because hygenists nagged me the whole time I was laying in the dental chair. I even avoided seeing dentists for this reason. One day a MALE hygenist simply said that if I flossed one day a week that it would make a difference. Then he told me some funny stories and I relaxed. I immediately started flossing every day and I go back to see the dentist every six months. (My teeth thank me!)
I think the weekly commitment seems overwhelming to people. Especially since we have the equivalent of Thangsgiving dinner every Shabbos! Someone who wants to swim doesn't start swimming laps-- they start out slow. I suggest you tell them to try schul once a month and see if they like it.
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I am a jew 24/7. I do not need to go to a Synagogue to connect to Judaism and my Jewish heritage.
A synagogue is a wonderful experience, especially when you are young looking for direction and still deciding what path to follow for the future, and the social aspect was a big plus growing up in a small community.
You don't need the 4 walls of a synagogue to connect to G-d. G-d is with you 24/7.
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I'm sorry but there is no good reason at all, for not attending Synagogue inless it has to do with you simply put you have no way to be able to get there due to illness or what not. Synagogue is not a social hall, it is a place to give G-d reverence. Keeping the Shabbat holy is more than just lighting the candles every week and having a dinner, it's also about the Synagogue too. G-d should come first.
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I agree with you that G-d is with us 24/7. In fact that's obvious since He's One.
But the more we go to synagogue, the more "We" are with Him 24/7.
As the Rambam says -- one's love of G-d is identical with his knowledge of Him.
And in a synagogue, we can't help but learn more about our Rock and the depths of His Torah. Whereas elsewhere, such as at home, we have much to choose from -- magazines, tv, laying on a comfy couch.
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I am a man 24/7 and I don't need to prove it to anybody. But, I still make sure to eat 3 times a day, get 6-7 hours of sleep etc.
My soul, just like my body, needs to be fed constantly.
And yet, the way to connect to G-d is only the way he will tell you. A man can't reach G-d, if not for G-d's hand that is being offered on his side.
G-d's hand IS offered to you, all you have to do is to grab it.
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I attend synagogue sevn days a week. I have been Gabbai of my northern schul, and presently Gabbai of my Florida schul.
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I have never apologized to anyone -- certainly not to a rabbi -- for not going to synagogue.
I do not apologize for not doing things that I have no reason to do.
For everyone who apologizes to a rabbi for not going to synagogue, there may be 10 or 100 or 1000 or 10,000 other people who just don't go and don't apologize. The rabbi won't hear about (or from) them -- fortunately for him, because their (our) stories are not as cute as the apologies he hears and retells.
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to Anthony in Brisbane,
You are absolutely right! You are a jew 24/7 and if you don't need others around you to feel jewish, Kol HaKavod (all honor to you). However, other jews need YOU. You are part of the klal (community) that makes up judaism and gives support and meaning to others who need your presence to be able to say kaddish, and have a repetition of the Amidah and say Barchu and take out a Torah to hear the words of G-d spoken aloud. Without YOU we can't do these things. You are important to US! WE care that you aren't there when we need you. In judaism, the action speaks way louder than the thought. Getting out of bed a little earlier to help make a morning minyan isn't just an act of yiddiskeit (judaism), it can be an act of tzedakah (charity).
Shana Tovah Lecha (good year to you)
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Every time I went to synagogue as a child, I felt it was a waste of time. I pray to God where & when I WANT to pray to God. My prayers are more full of feeling then! Praying in a synagogue just to pray in a synagogue is like taking vitamins when one feels good...it has very little meaning! It's inconvenient for me to go to synagogue -- I have no car and the nearest synagogue must be six miles away or more! Besides, being a religious Jew will take away my dreams of marrying a Prince. There are NO Jewish HRH's, because there's (now), no monarchy in Israel. I want to marry a Prince -- Jewish or otherwise! Lord Frederick Windsor recently married a British -Jewish actress...but she is NOT religious! I don't like anti-semites...but Lord Frederick (& many other high placed HRH's), are today NOT anti-semites. Jimmy Carter wrote the book, "Why Not The Best?"
I echo this sentiment. Why not the best for Me, (too!)?
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I'm one of those people hurt and confused by demanding and intolerant people in the community, and I don't attend for several other reasons. On the other hand, my region is so deeply endowed with records of Jewsih history and, especially with the beauty and brilliancy of Moses as He and family delivered Torah, that (as I've always said) the outdoors and nature are truly my synagogue. Our communal mindset in the community really is, too- a daily and holy event. So, I feel no Jew goes without a visit to the temple, one way or the other!
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Gavriel --
Hearing, so many times in my life, that "other Jews need you to go to synagogue" is one of the things that helped me decide to stay away.
If a believer needs to have a particular number of other people around to "give support and meaning" to his/her belief, and so on, then that believer and that belief do not deserve whatever "support and meaning" s/he is trying to borrow from the fact of seeing other people showing up.
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Maybe I'm wrong, but I wanna share other perspective.
I don't view as good to keep going in a place that people act with discrimination. If I go, I support this behavior. I wanna belive that the complaint is true, and someone that complain is in pain.
But, I also understand that this is not o good reason for stop going, as
people are not perfect, in every place we will find difficulty and wrong things happening.
On the contrary, the hurt is a good reason for go to the synagogue. If this person felt hurt maybe many others felt the same and want or stop going.
The best, IMHO,is try to talk, discuss with the community. It's a great
risk, I know, but is the only way to see in a clear way what is truly
happening, and is the opportunity to change. Maybe is just a misunderstand, maybe is real... Make it clear is a good reason for keep going, because love your neighbor is not only a sentence that we read in the prayer book, is the effort to approach one to each other.
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i live on maui... one schul... if you don't go i might not be able to say kaddish or say amen...
if your head is bothering you because of your thoughts... guess what you are right...
i live on an island that is the last place in time to observe shabbat... i am so proud to be a jew when the 10th person walks thru the door... and its not every service that happens...
come to maui... all are welcome to pray to... just be jewish...
besides to be or not to go... it's only your question, not mine...
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i am not jewish. but if i were i would not allow my feelings and relationship with G-d be altered by other mere mortals. i thought the sole purpose of attending was to have a better connection. if one wants to be part of society there are other venues for this purpose.
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I think one of the MANY problems is the lack of sensitivity Rabbis have for the "individual" shul go-er. People laugh at all these "reasons" for not going to shul, but wake up, more and more people are experiencing the same things. It's great that you've mastered the chochma, bina and daat (wisdom, understanding, and knowledge -- together these make up the acronym "chabad"), but what about the rest of the attributes that make up a human? Are we just pieces of ice? Smiling at someone and giving them your seat is much more powerful than mumbling stuff you memorized.
Another one of the many issues... Its funny how out of all the days of the year, most synagogues choose Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur to ask for cover charge. The days when most unaffiliated jews decide to go to synagogue. Basically that perpetuates the stereo-type these unaffiliated jews had all along... its all about money. IM IN NO WAY SAYING LIFE SHOULD BE FREE! All Im saying is that synagogues should re-work their finances and fund raising, so they dont have to charge on those days. ChaBaD gets that.
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As the mother of four daughters who all went through a princess phase, your comment made me laugh out loud!
Your chances of marrying non-Jewish royalty are next to zero... but your opportunity to discover your own royalty as a "daughter of a King" is always available.
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The good that the synagogue provides, the good that the Rabbis provide, the extreme good that Torah observant Jews provide is far-reaching beyond their community.
It touches the entire world. This is blessings to the world that only the Jews have the priviledge of giving. The L-rd is wise in all His dealings.
If there is envy, it is because they do not understand how the L-rd chooses to work His blessings on mankind.
Attend. Attend. It is way more than just a little community. It is the world.
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Why I do not go, is because I have no funds for a ticket. I do not agree that we have to pay for a ticket when we can't afford it. Let the rich people go and pray for me.
It makes me mad.....
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Number one: If you are unhappy, then go somewhere else. i agree with that - especially in the NY area where there are many alternatives. Number two: you've got to set an example for your children and other peoples children, for that matter. My grown sons are very aware of my husband and my participation and hopefully, that will make a difference in their own lives later on.
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That article hit the nail on the head. It has taken me many years of wandering to find the right Shul. Just for those reasons in the article. If you are not rich or connected with the right group you just never fit in. Till I found the Chabad House of Kansas City. They made me feel like I belong there. Maybe my Hebrew isnt what it should be, or I may not know all the Chabad customs, but that'all right. You must crawl before you can walk..
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There are certain people who demand to be noticed and their reward for going to synagogue is extra attention from the rabbi. They are like the sheep who demand all the attention from the shepherd.
There are others who go to schul because they like to baa with the other sheep. They like their place. Some go for their peer group, ie: moms find a connection with other moms, the elderly have their pals, different groups have connections.
Birds of a feather like to flock together.
If you cannot find a schul that has enough of your kind, just go once a month. Let the rabbi know that you want to have a peer group, as in people your age or stage of life or dare I say not wealthy, and hopefully he can keep an eye out. Maybe he will meet some people who drop by and tell them to come back to meet you and call you and have you meet.
(I don't go because 15 yrs ago I ticked off the rabbi's person who welcomes people in: she has made my life complicated regarding anything social.)
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1. Distance, and the no driving rule.
2. No time in the service where the Rabbi explains HOW to love your neighbor as yourself.
3. Wrote prayers, with not much said from the heart. Only memorization.
4. Language that many English speakers do not understand.
5. Lack of happy or inspirational messages. A lot of emphasis on rules, laws, the past, and repetition of the first 5 books of the Holy Scriptures with little to no NEW insight.
6. The people who go there do tend to congregate in cliques.
7. Not much in the way to appeal to the individual's spiritual needs.
8. Gender separation or bias.
9. Very depressing music. Not uplifting.
10. Not fun at all. Very boring.
11. One way communication with no congregant discussion.
12. No one really seems to care if you come or not.
13. When you're sick, no one calls to see how you are.
14. No one comes to visit you at home. If you want to see them, you have to go to the synagogue.
15. Money, money, money. Always asking for money.
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Why i don't go is----I am a Born-Again Christian, I don't thing they would understand.....
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Re:
"if you don't go i might not be able to say kaddish or say amen..."
In other words:
Your beliefs, and the beliefs of others who believe as you do, claim that /a/ you must say those prayers -- but /b/ that you mustn't say them without a certain number of male adult Jews in the room.
So what? Why do you expect your beliefs to sway someone who doesn't believe them?
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I should also add that my presence or absence could make no conceivable difference about whether you believed you
"might not be able to say kaddish or say amen..." -- because only a male Jew makes a difference for that; I am female. There could be 1,000,000 Jewish women in the room, and just you -- and you still would believe that you were forbidden to say the words commanded:: right?
In other words:
Your beliefs, and the beliefs of others who believe as you do, claim that /a/ you must say those prayers -- but /b/ that you mustn't say them without a certain number of male adult Jews in the room.
So what? Why do you expect your beliefs to sway someone who doesn't believe them?
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First, "forced to be anonymous" agrees that, if you're unhappy with shul, "then go somewhere else." Indeed, everywhere (not just in the New York area) there are many alternatives to going to shul ... but then. "forced" contradicts him/herself: saying that "you've got" to go -- to "set an example"!
(To "set an example" by doing what you disbelieve -- the technical term for that is deep hypocrisy. I won't set the next generation, or anyone else, such an example as "forced" thinks good.)
And -- Mr. or Ms. "forced to be anonymous" -- just who is forcing you to be anonymous? How, and why, is someone somehow "forcing" you to post anonymously?
i agree with that - especially in the NY area where there are many alternatives. Number two: you've got to set an example for your children and other peoples children,
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I am in spain , there is no way to get to Synagogue unless I pay....
I do not go to synagogue to get noticed but I go to get noticed from GD....
Shana Tovah
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It's too expensive to belong to a synagogue. If not a member they wont let you attend services on high holidays.Tickets are usually $600 or more.
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I loved this posting. After 30 some years of avoiding shul, I started attending my local Chabad five years ago. Ostensibly I was looking to say kaddish for my father, but I've no reason why I really went. I kept returning Shabbat after Shabbat, relearning the siddur and parshot and feeling as my life was intangibly richer.
For anyone frustrated by the social strata of typical shuls, or uncomfortable with his level of knowledge, please find a Chabad shul. The egalitarian welcome my family and I have found at each Chabad has allowed us to rediscover prayer and community and led to a life with more mitzvot.
As a scientist and mathematician, the fulfilment of attending shul will stay a mystery to me. Fortunately, it doesn't need my understanding.
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My husband and I tried a Chabad shul three years ago.
It was the worst place we'd ever been in -- not just the worst *shul* we'd ever been in, the worst *place* we'd ever been in.
Even though the demands for money weren't blatant, that didn't make up for everything else there that sickened us.
We stuck it out for the first day of Rosh HaShanah. We stuck it out for the second day of Rosh HaShanah (with even greater difficulty). We stuck it out till halfway through Yom Kippur -- then, by mutual agreement, we went home and never went back.
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cant afford to have a 'seat' at rosh hashanah; at chabad or any synaggogues charging such high fee to sit on the holidays
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